"I give her a Fig Newton, just to immobilize her, just to stop it, cause she loves Fig Newtons, I go, ‘Here honey, have a Fig Newton,’ and she goes, ‘They’re not called Fig Newtons, they’re called Pig Newtons!’ and I go, ‘No they’re not, they’re called Fig Newtons.’ And right away in my head I’m like, what are you doing? Why? What is to be gained? Why do you care? Just, yeah, Pig Newtons, fine, go ahead, good luck to you, go through life, see what kind of job you can hold down with shit like that flying around your head, I don’t care, I’ll be dead. But for some reason I engaged, ‘No honey, they’re called Fig Newtons.’ She goes, ‘No! You don’t know. You don’t know! They’re called Pig Newtons!’ And I just, I feel this rage building inside. Because it’s not that she’s wrong, she’s three, she’s entitled to be wrong, but it’s the fucking arrogance of this kid! No humility! No decent sense of self doubt. She’s not going, “Dad, I think those are Pig Newtons, are you sure that you have it right?’ She’s not saying, ‘Dad, I’m pretty sure those are Pig Newtons,’ which would be a little cunty, but acceptable, I could deal with that. She’s giving me nothing! ‘No, you don’t know!’ Really? I don’t know? I don’t know? Dude, I’m not even using my memory right now, I’m reading the fucking box that the shit came out of! It says it! Where are you getting your information? How do you fuck with me on this? You’re 3 and I’m 41! What are the odds that you’re right and I’m wrong? What are the sheer odds of that? And take a bite of the cookie, does it taste like a pork cookie, motherfucker? I don’t think so! Why would they call it a Pig Newton? Oh, it tastes like figs, fucking interesting, isn’t it? I didn’t say a word of that, obviously, but anyway."

Louis C.K.: Hilarious, “My 3-Year-Old Is A 3-Year-Old” (via whereareallthesourpatchparents)